In a society that often equates kindness with self-sacrifice, people-pleasing can become a pervasive part of our identity. Many of us have walked the tightrope of trying to meet the expectations of others, often at the expense of our own needs and desires. But what is people-pleasing, how does it develop, and what can we do about it?
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing can be defined as the tendency to prioritise others’ needs and wants over our own, often coming from a desire for acceptance, validation, or fear of rejection or conflict. And this can detract from our sense of self-worth and authenticity. Whilst being kind and accommodating is natural, people-pleasing can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment when taken to the extreme. It’s important to differentiate between healthy altruism and unhealthy people-pleasing. The former nurtures relationships while the latter can lead to self-neglect and a loss of identity.
How Does People-Pleasing Develop?
The roots of people-pleasing often lie in our upbringing and early experiences. Here are a few common contributors:
Childhood Conditioning
Many people-pleasers grow up in environments where they learned that love and approval are conditional. When praise is given for being compliant or pleasing, children internalise the belief that their worth is tied to how well they meet others’ expectations.
Fear of Rejection
The fear of being rejected or abandoned can lead individuals to bend over backward to keep others happy. This can be particularly noticeable in relationships where one partner holds more power or influence.
Low Self-Esteem
Individuals with low self-esteem may feel unworthy of love and regard. As a result, they might constantly seek validation from others, often at the cost of their own needs.
Cultural and Societal Influences
Some cultures place a strong emphasis on collectivism and harmony, which can promote people-pleasing behaviours. The expectation to maintain peace within a group can lead to suppressing one’s own desires.
Recognising People-Pleasing Behaviour
Becoming aware of our people-pleasing tendencies is the first step toward change. Here are some signs to watch for:
- Difficulty Saying No: You feel compelled to agree to requests, even when it’s inconvenient, overwhelming or unwelcome.
- Fear of Conflict: You avoid disagreements at all costs, often sacrificing your own perspective for the sake of harmony.
- Chronic Guilt: You feel guilty for wanting to prioritise your own needs or for disappointing others.
- Neglecting Self-Care: Your own well-being takes a backseat to the needs of others, leading to burnout or resentment.
- A Sense of Being Overwhelmed: You often feel overwhelmed by obligations and the weight of others' expectations.
The Journey of Self-Discovery and Compassion
Recognising people-pleasing behaviours is just the beginning. The journey of self-discovery involves understanding the underlying motivations and triggers that lead to these behaviours. Here are some steps to guide you on this path:
1. Self-Reflection
Take time to reflect on your childhood experiences, relationships, and the messages you received about your worth. Journaling can be a powerful tool for this. Write about moments when you felt compelled to please others and how that made you feel.
2. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Learning to treat yourself with kindness and that you matter, is crucial. Acknowledge that it’s okay to have needs and desires. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself as you would to a friend. Remind yourself that it’s normal to want to be liked and accepted, and it’s also essential to value your own needs.
3. Identify Your Triggers
Understanding what triggers your people-pleasing tendencies can provide valuable insights. Is it certain situations, specific individuals, or feelings of inadequacy? Keeping a journal can help you track these triggers and the emotions associated with them.
4. Set Boundaries
Start practicing saying no in small ways. Establishing healthy boundaries is vital for maintaining your well-being. Remember, saying no doesn’t mean you are unkind; it means you are valuing your own needs and time. A useful way to express a boundary is:
What works for me is/What’s OK is ….
What doesn’t work for me is/what’s not OK is …
So what I’d appreciate is /What I need is …..
5. The Importance of Understanding Our Triggers
Understanding our triggers is a crucial aspect of healing from people-pleasing. When we know what sets off our desire to please, we can better navigate those situations. This awareness allows us to pause and reflect, giving us the opportunity to choose a different response—one that honours our own needs rather than defaulting to the patterns we’ve been conditioned to follow. By recognising our triggers, we can begin to dismantle the automatic responses that have kept us in a cycle of self-neglect.
5. Seek Support
Consider working with a therapist who specialises in **parts work**, a therapeutic approach that helps us connect with different aspects or “parts” of ourselves. Parts work is based on the idea that our personality is made up of various sub-personalities or “parts,” each with its own feelings, beliefs, and motivations. Some of these parts may serve us well, while others may hinder our growth and well-being. By identifying and engaging with these parts, we can gain insight into our patterns, such as people-pleasing, and can work toward a more integrated and authentic self.
Alternatively, joining a support group to share your experiences with others who understand can be healing, and can provide you with different perspectives and coping strategies.
6. Reframe the Narrative
After understanding the motivations behind your people-pleasing tendencies, work on reframing the narrative (tell yourself a different story). This may involve recognising that your worth is not contingent on others’ approval and that it’s okay to prioritise your own needs. Acknowledge the value of authenticity and the importance of setting healthy boundaries.
7. Practice Assertiveness
Learning to communicate your needs assertively is a vital skill on the journey to overcoming people-pleasing. Assertiveness is not about being aggressive; it’s about expressing your thoughts and needs openly and respectfully. This can be as simple as stating, “I need some time to myself this weekend,” or “I appreciate your suggestion, but I prefer to do it my way.” Practicing assertiveness can help you regain a sense of agency in your life. Start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. Communicate your needs clearly and assertively, allowing yourself to experience the discomfort that may arise from saying “no” or prioritising your own desires. Each time you assert yourself, you reinforce the message that your needs are valid.
8. Embrace Discomfort
It’s natural to feel discomfort when you begin to change long-standing habits. You might experience guilt or anxiety when you start prioritizing yourself. Embrace this discomfort as part of the growth process. Acknowledge that discomfort is often a sign that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and moving toward a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
9. Celebrate Small Wins
As you work on reducing your people-pleasing behaviours, celebrate your progress—no matter how small. Each time you assert your boundaries or prioritise your needs, acknowledge that achievement, perhaps with a “well done me”. Celebrating these victories reinforces positive change and builds your confidence.
The Road Ahead: A Lifelong Journey
Overcoming people-pleasing isn’t an overnight process; it’s a lifelong journey of self-discovery and growth. As you continue to navigate this path, remember that setbacks are normal. The goal isn’t to eliminate the desire to please others but to find a balance where your needs are equally valued.
Self-compassion and understanding are your greatest allies. As you learn more about yourself and your triggers, you’ll discover that healing is not just about changing behaviours—it’s about embracing your authenticity and allowing yourself to be the person you truly are.
Conclusion
People-pleasing can be a challenging habit to break, but with awareness, self-compassion, and practice, it is entirely possible to reclaim your sense of self. By understanding how people-pleasing develops, recognizing the signs, and exploring your triggers, you can embark on a journey of healing and transformation.
Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, not just for what you do for others but for who you are. As you navigate this journey, be gentle with yourself, and allow room for growth and change. Ultimately, the journey of self-discovery will lead you to a more authentic, fulfilling life—one where your needs are recognised and honoured alongside those of others.
If you are ready to start this journey and want to see how I might be able to support you, click on the button and book a free 30 minute call with me.
